Advice: Licky the Dog

Dear Meankitty,

My name is Mufasa (I am a big orange long haired tabby) and I have a terrible problem. My slave brought home this big smelly male human about 8 years ago when I was just a wee kitty. I didn’t really pay him any “never you mind”, but I didn’t like him either. Since his arrival I have been…well you know…I cant even say it….the N word! I’ve also been moved all over the country and had to share my slave. I am very protective of her and he says that I stalk her!! HmMPH!! She was put here for me to lounge on, sleep next to and order around. That’s why I picked her! I knew she was a soft-hearted pushover cat-worshipper.

I have done all I can think of to rid my self of The Mean Man. I’ve peed on his clothes, hunted his socks to extinction, destroyed the majority of the expensive furniture he has bought, left scars on him, and ignored his relentless hounding and kitty bribes such as table food and catnip (ok! not the nip but I don’t acknowledge he exists afterwards). Now he has taken to LICKING my forehead! It is very hard to get rid of his scent! OHH will it ever cease? Please help! I am beside myself and have taken to riding on my slave’s shoulders to stay away from him! I am but a mere 17 lbs but my slave says I make her neck hurt. What else can I do??

Many catnip mouses to you,
Mufasa =^..^=


Dear Muf,

Put some poop on your forehead. Next time he licks it, you’ll have a really good laugh. And don’t feel bad for taking the nip. Accepting a bribe doesn’t mean you have to cooperate in any way, shape or form. It’s in the SOHC contract.